A few days back, on Wednesday, my wife Seema and me took off for a one night stay at a place one hour from Pune. It’s been raining in Pune and the weather was absolutely romantic. It was the perfect setting for a long pending heart to heart conversation.

I work from home so Seema and me anyway talk a lot during the day. But talking and communication are two different things. We have my elderly mom and my two adult children Arjun and Arista at home and then there are the house helps so private time to share authentically what’s on your mind comes with a lot of interuptions.

Last Wednesday was different. We checked in to the villa property post lunch and took some rest. Around 5pmish I jumped into the private pool while it rained.. it was blissful.
The getaway was my idea; I had told Seema I just want quality time with her with no specific agenda. And so after my masti in the pool, at around 6pm we sat and she initiated a deep, authentic conversation that helped me understand parts of her I had never understood in 26 years of marriage.

We spoke for over 3 hours and I committed myself to listen in such a way that she felt that her communication was gotten. That meant letting down my guard and putting away the thought
“I know her and why she’s saying this.” That meant letting go of my stories and interpretations about her and ignoring the little voice in my head that kept interrupting my listening.

The impact of this kind of listening was profound. The more she shared, the more she felt safe sharing. “I hope you will not get defensive if I talk about so and so topic”, she told
me. I promised her I wont. And I honoured that promise. Was it easy? Not at all.
But it was amazing.

I learnt one thing that day. When your wife shares what she feels, it makes her feel lighter. She is not necessarily looking to fix a certain problem. She is definitely not looking for a solution.. at least not at that time. You may agree with what she is sharing or you may not, but that’s not the point. What’s important is that you hold space for a deep, authentic conversation where she expresses her feelings, her pain, her hurt, her disaappointments and her needs. And you really really get her.

I’ll be honest with you, I do not remember the exact contents of the 3 hour conversation; I just remember the highlights. But I will not forget how ecstatic she was at the end when she said,
“I have said what I had to say and I feel so complete about it.”

The topic she had brought up that day was something she has discussed with me a 100 times before, but for a change I did not get into the “Not again” mode. Instead I told her how happy
I was that she brought up the issue (it was concerning my behaviour) and I reassured her that I am really committed to getting her communication on this topic even if it means she bringing up this topic time and again in the next few years.

In the end her expressing herself authentically and me not resisting that communication creating a space for a whole new way of getting each others’ world. Like every marriage, our marriage has been through its rough patches and since Feb this year our relationship has been blossoming beautifully.

Last Wednesday it went to another level and the few days after returning home have been like a second honeymoon, one that will last way way longer, now that we both are in our fifities, and know how to love, how to fight (and how not to) and how to deal with conflicts through the power of communication.